Without You
by BrittVakarian
Summary: Kaidan Alenko lost everything when the Normandy was destroyed. Can he ever find a way to move on and live again? Rated M for language and some sexual content. KaidanxShepard(F) and KaidanxOC
1. Chapter 1

**Thank you so much for reading! This is my first fan-fiction so hopefully I will get better as it goes on... I don't have a lot of scenes from the game because I don't want to repeat things you guys have probably already seen, but I do _try_ to stay as canon as possible. Sorry for mistakes here and there!**

**I won't have a lot of action or combat in my story because I want to focus on the drama/romance. **

**Reviews are always appreciated! :)**

* * *

**Prologue**

**Shepard**

So, this was death. Everything was white. The last thing I could remember was the pain of suffocating in the middle of space after an unknown ship attacked the Normandy. At least Joker made it to the escape pod. And Kaidan. Tears filled my eyes as I also remembered my future with Kaidan was gone.

Tears? If I was dead, how could I be crying? I heard voices and a steady beeping sound. Was I in the hospital? Had I survived after all? I had to find Kaidan and make sure he was all right.

"K-Kai…dan." My voice didn't sound like me. It crackled and my chest throbbed as I tried to speak. "K-Kaidan. Please. Where…"

The beeping noise grew faster.

"Calm down, Commander. Just try to relax," a woman with a heavy accent said softly. I could barely make out her face surrounded by a blur of dark hair as she looked down on me.

I felt a sharp pain in my arm and my eyes instantly grew heavy.

_No, I can't fall asleep now. I have to find him. _

I mustered up every ounce of energy I had left and spoke again. "Where's Kaidan?!" I yelled, my chest on fire.

No answer.

The beeping slowed as my energy dissipated. I had no control over my body as I slipped back into unconsciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

**2 Years Earlier…**

"Calm down, lieutenant," Garrus mumbled, seeming rather annoyed. "If there's anyone more pissed at the council than you for sending us on this mission you know it's me, but breaking things isn't going to help."

The plate of food in front of Garrus began to glow with blue biotic energy just as it flew across the table and shattered against the wall.

Garrus sighed. "Guess I'm not eating that. Uh, Kaidan, you might want to stop before-"

Another plate shattered against the wall right as Shepard walked into the dining hall.

She stared at the broken plate and spilled food, which just missed her head and then narrowed her eyes on the wincing dark haired man.

Kaidan slowed his breathing as the blue biotic energy glowing around him began to fade away. "Shit, I'm sorry, baby, I didn't see you coming."

Garrus snickered as he made himself a new plate a food. He was used to Kaidan's insubordinate way of speaking to the Commander by now.

"What the hell is going on here, Lieutenant?" Shepard barked.

"Lieutenant?" Kaidan frowned. She never called him that anymore unless they were around Anderson or Hackett.

Garrus snickered again.

Shepard's glare shifted to the turian. "You don't seem too innocent over there either, Garrus. Mind telling me why you two are wasting our dishes and the food Mess Sergeant Gardner worked so hard to make for us?"

Garrus dropped his odd-shaped eating utensil into his food and looked up at Shepard.

"What have I got to do with this? I'm just an innocent by-stander." He picked up his eating utensil again and took a bite of some strange gelatinous substance.

"Yeah, right," Kaidan grumbled. "You were the one who suggested I blow off some steam." He sighed and began cleaning up the broken plates. "I'm pissed that we're being sent to handle some fucking Geth, Shepard. We know they're not the real threat, but everyone else is in denial. We're wasting our time when we should be preparing for something much bigger."

"Wow, Kaidan," Shepard smirked. "I don't think I've ever heard you talk so dirty before."

"I have a feeling that's not true." Garrus grinned and shoveled more food in his mouth.

"I know how you feel Kaidan," Shepard replied, ignoring the turian's remark. " It obviously bothers me a hell of a lot too. But complaining and smashing things won't solve anything. We'll make the best of our mission and keep our eyes out for any more proof of Sovereign."

"What the hell?!"

The three of them turned toward the voice to see Rupert Gardner glaring at the broken plates Kaidan was picking up.

"Was the food that bad?" Rupert sighed.

Shepard and Garrus laughed as Kaidan explained himself and finished cleaning the mess.


	3. Chapter 3

After dinner, Shepard took the elevator to her room. Sovereign's words continued to echo through her head since the moment she first heard them. She understood Kaidan's frustration because he also heard Sovereign's words for himself. However, Shepard was determined they could help everyone see the truth. She just had to do it before it was too late.

A beeping sound filled Shepard's room signifying someone at the door. Shepard got up from her chair as the door opened and Kaidan stood smiling in front of her.

"Hey, _Commander_." He didn't walk in right away and held a bottle of some kind of drink in his hand.

"Commander?" Shepard asked, cocking her head to the side.

"Well, I assumed we were back to addressing each other officially after you called me Lieutenant today," Kaidan teased.

Shepard laughed and grabbed his free hand, pulling him inside and locking the door behind them. "Forgive me for trying to look professional in front of my crew." She took the bottle from his hands and read the label before setting it down on her desk.

Kaidan huffed. "You mean in front of Garrus? I'm pretty sure he's well aware of our relationship by now."

Shepard reached for two glasses out of her cabinet and poured them a drink from the bottle. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I didn't want to worry you about breaking the regs."

He reached for her hand after she finished pouring and turned the the red-headed woman to face him. "I love you, you know."

Kaidan had only just said those three words to her for the first time a few days ago and he loved saying them every chance he got.

Shepard smiled and placed her hand behind his neck, running her fingers through his hair. "I know."

Kaidan leaned in and kissed her softly then looked her in the eyes again. "I don't care about the regs. I want you to act how you want around me. If you want to stay professional around me then do it but don't do it for my sake. You'll never embarrass me or make me worry about getting in trouble. I'm over that now."

Shepard smirked. "Okay, from now on anytime I see you I'll jump you. Doesn't matter where we are or who's around. Not even Anderson."

Kaidan chuckled. "I have a feeling he already knows about us too. He loves you too much to fuss at you though. And he knows how perfect I am for you so he obviously approves."

Shepard snorted and pulled away from him to grab their drinks. She took a sip and closed her eyes. "Mmmm. Thank you. This was just what I needed, to get drunk right before an important mission." She grinned at him teasingly.

Kaidan rolled his eyes and took a sip out of his glass. "Important my ass."

"I know, I know. All I can think about is Sovereign. But like I said, we just need to keep looking for more evidence. You almost seem more worried about it than I do and I'm stressed as hell."

"Yeah, well, usually I have more self-control, but knowing that our lives are in jeopardy and having someone worth living for, it just…" He shook his head. "It just changes things. When I first joined the Alliance, I was willing to lose my life to protect my home. In combat, every bullet I dodged was an unexpected surprise. Now I just expect to live. I've had this ominous feeling lately that isn't just about the Reapers. For once, I'm afraid of dying, Shepard, or worse…living without you." Kaidan finished off the last sip of his drink and picked up the bottle to refill his glass to the rim.

Shepard caught Kaidan's hand before the glass could reach his lips again. She smiled at him reassuringly. "Kaidan, it means the world to me that you care so much. But I need you at your best. We can't waste our time together worrying about each other. We can't control what happens; all we can do is our best and enjoy the time we're given."

He pulled his hand away and ran it through his hair, shaking his head. "That's the thing, Shepard. We _can_ control it. We don't have to be in the Alliance for the rest of our lives. We can go back to Earth, settle down and live like normal people."

Shepard's brows furrowed. "Kaidan, this _is _my life. We're keeping those people back on Earth safe. I love you and I want this to work more than anything, but I'm just not ready to give the Alliance up right now."

"I had a feeling you would say that," Kaidan said, smiling bleakly. "I'm not saying we would have to get married and buy a house and all that shit, unless…you know…" he sipped his drink, "unless you wanted to." He smirked causing Shepard to giggle. "It's just that after we defeated Saren and I couldn't find you, my mind panicked. It was the worst few minutes of my life. I guess it made me realize just how much you really mean to me and I'll do _whatever_ it takes to protect you. I understand you're not ready to give up the Alliance, but I'll wait by your side until you are. Just say the word."

Shepard threw her arms around Kaidan's neck, almost causing him to spill his drink. "Thank you, Kaidan."

He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her forehead. "Until then I can't promise I won't worry about you or be overly protective and annoying."

She smiled. "Well I promise I'll be extra careful. Will you?"

He nodded and leaned in to kiss her lips this time, but Shepard stopped him.

"One more question," she asked hesitantly. "What did it feel like when you…thought I was dead?"

Kaidan grimaced. "What? Why would you ask that?"

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to bring up bad memories, but it means a lot to me that you were so worried. I guess I'm just curious what ran through your mind."

"Is this some kind of test?"

Shepard laughed. "Just answer the question! Please?"

Kaidan sighed and shook his head. "A thousand things ran through my mind. I was afraid you never really knew how much I cared for you. And I kept thinking about-" He paused for several long seconds.

Shepard's eyebrows shot up. "About what?"

"Trust me, you don't want to hear it," he grumbled.

"I want to hear it! Come on, Kaidan." She stepped back and slowly pulled her shirt over her head revealing a lacey black bra underneath. "I'll make it worth your while."

His eyes widened. "That's not fair! Since when did you start wearing sexy lingerie?"

Shepard slipped her pants down her long muscular legs, exposing a matching lacey thong underneath. "Since I got a boyfriend, dumbass," she grinned.

Kaidan reached for her waist but she slipped away from him. "Not until you tell me," Shepard ordered.

His hand fell. "_Fine._ I thought about how we would never have a family together. I would never know if our kids would have red hair like yours or dark hair like mine. I wouldn't be able to tell them the stories of how we met and all the amazing things you've done. I'm sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable. I know we haven't been in a relationship long and you're probably not thinking about those things now and I don't know if you ever will, but...that's my dream, Shepard."

She froze for a moment, staring hard at Kaidan's face. "You were really thinking that?"

He nodded unable to make eye contact with her. Surely she was going to dump him right then and there for saying such nonsense. "I don't want you to think I'm expecting it to happen one day or feel pressured that I've already got our future planned out. I just-"

Before Kaidan could finish, Shepard threw her arms around him again and slammed her lips against his. "I love you, Kaidan. And that sounds like an amazing future to me."

His eyes grew wide, surprised by her reaction. Then a smile slowly spread across his face. "Really?"

"Of course! Just because I'm not ready to settle down now, doesn't mean I don't want that eventually. Plus, you would be the sexiest baby-daddy ever."

Kaidan laughed and lifted Shepard up, wrapping her legs around his waist. "How did I get so damn lucky?" He kissed her hungrily while carrying her to the bed. They fell on the mattress, never breaking their connection. Kaidan hovered over Shepard and continued moving his lips against hers, until he abruptly stopped. "I have to slow down and enjoy this," he panted. "We don't get time alone very often and when we do I always seem to rush through it."

"Well, let's make sure to savor the moment this time," Shepard whispered before trailing kisses down his neck.

Kaidan finally sat up to remove his shirt and Shepard ran her fingers across his firm muscles, lingering on the V shaped indentations on the sides of his hips. "I love these," she breathed.

"Love what, baby?" He mumbled in between kissing the soft skin of Shepard's neck.

"Your 'V.'"

"My…mmm…what?"

"You know, those lines on your hips that point to your penis."

Kaidan stopped what he was doing and burst into fits of laughter. "What are you talking about?"

Shepard growled in frustration. "Forget it! Just kiss me."

He obliged and crashed his lips back into hers. "I need more," he ordered huskily and reached around to unhook her bra. Kaidan slowly pulled the straps down Shepard's freckled shoulders and then removed the cups from her breasts. He leaned closer to her chest and gently licked one of her hardened nipples, making Shepard squirm underneath him. It was a huge turn-on seeing Shepard so vulnerable. No one else ever saw the wonderful needy side of her that was all his.

"More, Kaidan," she pleaded, grabbing a fistful of his hair in her hand and pulling him into her chest.

Kaidan cupped Shepard's plump breast in his hand and placed his lips around her nipple again, sucking until she whimpered with delight. He teased her until she demanded he take off his pants immediately.

He stood bare and erect in front of her as she slipped the last piece of remaining fabric down her legs and tossed it aside. He savored the moment, taking in the beautiful sight of his woman naked on her back in front of him. Ready for him. Shepard's red hair fanned out on the pillow beneath her and her fair skin glowed in the dim light.

"You're so beautiful," he said huskily before grabbing her thighs and pulling her toward the edge of the bed. He slowly entered her, groaning her name as her warmth surrounded him.

Kaidan stilled so that Shepard could adjust to him, then began moving slowly, causing her to gasp with each thrust.

Just as he began to pick up his pace, a heavy clash made them both jump out of the bed.

"What the hell was that?" Kaidan growled.

"Get suited up," Shepard ordered. It was as if the last few minutes had never happened. She was clad in full armor in a matter of seconds and bursting out of the cabin.

"Shepard, wait!" Kaidan called. Before he could finish dressing and catch up with her, she had already entered the elevator with the door closing behind her. "Fuck!" He paced back and forth, waiting for the elevator to return.

_Of course all hell has to break loose once I finally get a moment alone with her. _Kaidan thought. The ship rumbled beneath his feet and he heard screaming nearby. When the elevator doors finally opened again, he jumped in and headed toward the bridge to find Joker.


	4. Chapter 4

**Kaidan**

When I finally reached the cockpit, I saw Pressly's dead body lying nearby. Joker worked frantically to regain control of the ship. I fell back and forth, as the Normandy began to succumb to the fire and explosions.

"Joker!" I yelled. "What the hell is going on?"

"We were attacked by an unknown ship! All I know is it wasn't Geth."

"Shit. You need to get the hell out of here!"

"Fuck no!" Joker shot back without sparing me a glance. "There's still a chance for me to save the Normandy!"

"Joker, please! Shepard's going to kill me if you don't get out of this alive!"

"I said no, Kaidan! Now go make use of yourself and put the fucking fire out!"

It was no use trying to get through to him. I had to find Shepard. She was the only one that could talk some sense into Joker. I shook my head in frustration and ran through the minefield of explosions to the other side of the ship.

"Shit!" I exclaimed as a blast flung a crew-member into the air and their lifeless body landed right in front of me. I called Shepard's name desperately, silently praying that she would still be alive.

When I turned the next corner, I saw Shepard standing there and I breathed a sigh of relief. She looked calm and collected as if everything was under control. I envied her level head in stressful situations. She never panicked; at least she never showed it.

"Shepard!" I yelled hoarsely.

"Distress beacon is ready for launch," she replied in a very official tone, much different from the way she had just spoken to me in her cabin only minutes ago.

"Will the Alliance get here in time?" I asked, feeling doubtful. A small explosion from behind threw me into Shepard's direction and she helped me back to my feet.

"The Alliance won't abandon us," she replied. "We just need to hold on. Get everyone onto the escape shuttles." Shepard threw me a fire extinguisher and I used it on the raging flames nearby. It hardly made a difference. The fire was growing uncontrollably.

"Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship." I glanced over my shoulder toward Shepard. "I'm not leaving either."

Shepard shook her head. "I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles," she ordered, gripping my arm. "I'll take care of Joker." She headed toward the cockpit, and was suddenly thrown off her feet."

"Commander!" I yelled.

Before I could help her she was already up and walking away from me again. "Kaidan. Go," she glanced at me one last time. I couldn't see the expression on her face because of her helmet but I could tell from her tone of voice that she wasn't bullshitting. "Now," she added.

I nodded, knowing she was right. Someone needed to help the other crew-members. "Aye, aye." I ran to help the others, not knowing it would be the last time I would see Shepard again.


	5. Chapter 5

**1 year later**

**Kaidan**

The day marked one year since Shepard's death. I hoped that after so much time had passed, I would be improving but if anything, I felt worse. Everyday seemed more difficult than the last. Everything reminded me of Shepard and the life we could have had together. At first, I resented the Alliance so much that I almost gave it up, but it reminded me so much of Shepard. After that realization, the Alliance became my entire life again. Nothing came before it. Every morning when I put on my uniform I thought of her. On every mission, I thought of what she would do. It was all Shepard. Sometimes in the middle of a firefight, I could hear her calling orders to me. Several times, I heard her voice warn me of danger, which saved my life. Then I would desperately look around only to see she wasn't there. I was determined Shepard became my guardian angel after her death.

Although I was probably deranged, I still managed to make a few new friends. One of the nicest soldiers was a Marine named Milque. He had been through a lot of shit himself and seemed more understanding than most.

If I wasn't immersing my mind in training or combat, I was usually getting drunk. Milque was a great drinking buddy. Typically, we would drink a few beers then I would reminisce about Shepard, which led to stronger drinks, which ultimately led to Milque dragging me out of the bar. But he always listened and never complained, which was more than most friends. The following day he would try encouraging me to move on, which would always result in an argument. I knew he just wanted me to live my life again, but Shepard was my life and she would always be the only woman in it. I would only spend my time comparing anyone else to her and that wouldn't be fair to any woman or me.

Milque and I were on shore leave that night and hanging out at our usual bar. My plan was to drink until I couldn't remember that day was the one year anniversary of Shepard's death.

"Alright, man," Milque sighed, taking a seat beside me at the bar. "Maybe try pacing yourself this time?"

"Seriously?" My brows shot up. "Out of all days to tell me to pace myself, you pick today? You might as well leave now, because here's your warning. I'm going to get _way_ more drunk than I did on Shepard's birthday and you know how bad of a shit storm that was."

Milque shook his head, smirking. "I remember. Whatever gets ya through, my friend. Just don't throw up chunks everywhere again. I got a reputation to keep."

"I'll do my best," I mumbled, not really giving a shit if I hurled everywhere tonight or not. I couldn't care less what anyone else thought. This was the absolute worst day ever, next to the day Shepard actually died, and I was going to do everything I could to forget it.

I glanced to my right and noticed an unconscious customer, lying with his head on the table and his mouth hanging open. His face was familiar, probably an Alliance soldier. I wanted to be just like him in a few minutes.

"Two of those please!" I called to the bartender while pointing at the unconscious man's drink. The bartender smiled and quickly made our drinks then handed them to us. I immediately picked my glass up and finished whatever liquor mixture I ordered in a few huge gulps.

Milque stared at me wide eyed. "You weren't kidding around were you?" He took a sip of his drink and winced. "That shit's strong."

"Pussy."

Milque punched me in the arm. "Excuse me for trying to enjoy myself and not black out."

I impatiently waived the bartender over again. "Do you have anything _stronger_?"

Her bright red lips turned up in a smile again. "Just a sec, hun. I think I know what you need." She walked away to make a odd looking drink.

When the curvy bartender returned, she set my drink in front of me and winked. "Try that. Let me know how you like it." She walked off swaying her hips a little more than before.

Milque snickered beside me. "Looks like someone's got the hots for you, Lieutenant."

"Not interested," I grumbled, taking a swig of the alcohol. This one really was strong. It burned all the way down my throat and my chest._ Just what I needed._ I could finally feel a little bit of a buzz.

Milque was still sipping on his first drink. "Geez…and everyone calls me a drunk. You have to stop this eventually, man. You're gonna destroy your liver and kill yourself."

I laughed. "Wouldn't that be great?"

Milque's eyes widened and he shook his head. "Man, that is so morbid."

"I'm joking. Don't worry, I won't kill myself. I know you couldn't live without your favorite drinking buddy," I smirked. "Shit she's coming back."

The bartender swayed her way over to us. "How's the drink, hun?" she hummed.

"Great," I replied curtly.

"I've got a free minute," she purred while leaning over the counter and giving us a nice view of her cleavage. "What are you two celebrating tonight?"

"Not celebrating, sweetheart," Milque replied, staring at the view in front of him. "We're mourning."

The woman pouted and twirled a piece of her blonde hair around her finger. "I'm so sorry. Drinks are on me tonight okay?"

_As if that makes anything better. _

"Seriously?" Milque exclaimed. I was just thankful she didn't ask _why_ we were mourning.

The bartender grinned, looking pleased with herself. "Sure thing. My name's Sara if you guys need anything else."

"Lovely name for a lovely girl. I'm Milque, and this is-"

Before Milque could finish, I shot him a dirty look. The last thing I was trying to do was make friends tonight.

"That's, uh…that's Kaidan. He likes to be left alone F.Y.I." Milque winced, knowing I was pissed at him.

"Kaidan?" Sara looked at me, puzzled. "You mean Kaidan Alenko? Are you the Alliance Lieutenant that served with Commander Jane Shepard?"

"Shit," Milque cursed.

I sighed. "Yeah, that's me."

"Wow," Sara gasped. "What an honor to have you at my bar! Would you like any food, sir? That's on me as well!"

"Not hungry," I replied.

Sara looked a little hurt by my tone.

"Don't take it personal, sweetheart," Milque consoled her. "Today marks a year since Commander Shepard passed. She and the Lieutenant here were close."

I shot him a dirtier look this time. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"You were hurting the poor girl's feelings!" Milque shot back while pointing at Sara.

"That shit's none of her damn business!"

"I'm sorry!" We both turned to Sara who had interrupted us. "Please, I don't want to make this day harder for you Lieutenant Alenko. I'm so sorry for being nosy. Please stay and enjoy your drinks. Don't worry about me; I understand and I'll give you your space, okay?" She smiled sadly and walked away.

Milque sighed. "Shit. I liked her. Guess that door's closed."

I shook my head. "If you really like her so much go talk to her. Just leave me out of it."

"Someone's gotta keep an eye on you and make sure you don't drink yourself to death."

"I'll be fine. Just go."

Milque shrugged and left to find Sara on the other end of the bar. He whispered something to her and she nodded. She then glanced over to me with a pitied expression on her face. I quickly looked away. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me, it only made things worse. I drank more of my drink, feeling it burn down my throat. My buzz was stronger now. _Not much longer and I won't even remember why I'm here in the first place._

Several minutes passed by and I began to feel numb. Milque was nowhere to be found, but then again I probably couldn't make him out if I saw him. Sara brought me drinks when I needed them, but didn't try to chat anymore. I was starting to feel drowsy when I heard someone pull out the chair beside me and sit in it.

"Hey, Sara. I'll take the usual," a woman's voice said.

I tried focusing on her, but my vision was blurry.

A few more seconds went by as I tried making out her face and the woman spoke again. "Um, may I ask why you're staring at me?"

_Shit. I think she's talking to me._

"I'm sorry, everything's a little blurry," I answered shamefully.

The woman giggled. "I think that might be your cue to cut yourself off."

"I'm not checking you out. I have a…girlfriend." This woman had to know I wasn't interested right away, just in case she was flirty like Sara.

"That's great," the woman replied. "Why isn't she here to cut you off?"

"She is," I slurred. "She's my…guardian _angel_."

Silence.

"You don't believe me, huh?" I huffed. "_Nooobody_ does. But she's saved my life in a...in a firefight more times than I can count."

More silence followed and I began to regret saying anything. My head dropped and I silently sipped on my drink.

"I believe you," the woman said softly. My head jerked back up in surprise. "I think my mom is my guardian angel."

It took a second for me to register what she said. "Really?"

"Yes, she passed away when I was young, but I still hear her speak to me sometimes. One night I even saw her in my kitchen. I think she was cooking something."

I sighed. Shepard was an _angel_, not a damn _ghost_. I thought someone could relate to me, but now it was sounding like this woman might just be crazy. Then again, many of my fellow soldiers were calling me crazy too nowadays.

"Sorry, I know how that must sound to you," the woman laughed. "I don't tell many people that because they usually think what you're thinking. But considering you probably won't remember this conversation by tomorrow…"

"No. Wait. You know what,_ I'm_ sorry, I shouldn't judge. I think I'm just too scared of ghosts to believe in them," I shivered and then laughed and the woman did too.

"My name's Claire by the way. You must be a soldier since you mentioned being in a firefight."

I nodded. "I'm an _Alliance Marine_," I said rolling my eyes and then laughing.

"What's funny about that? That's a very honorable title. Thank you for your service, Mister…" She paused awkwardly.

I really didn't want to give her my name for fear of her recognizing it, but I also didn't want to hurt another person's feelings tonight. "Alenko."

"As in Kaidan Alenko?" Claire asked.

_Geez, I didn't know I was this well known. Figures you get people's attention only when you don't want it._

"As in Kaidan Alenko," I confirmed, sighing.

"You don't seem too happy about it."

"Things have…changed." I reached for my glass, but felt a hand blocking mine.

"Forgive me, but being a doctor, I can't let you keep drinking with a clear conscious," Claire said. It was her hand touching mine. I quickly pulled my hand away and glanced at her. I could make out more details now. She had shoulder length dark brown hair that was tucked behind her ears. She looked polished and professional, just as a doctor should be. She was also young, and easy on the eyes.

_Fuck._ She obviously was nothing compared to Shepard but I felt guilty for even thinking another woman was slightly attractive.

"Thanks, but I can handle myself." I needed to find Milque and get out of here. "Have you seen another marine around? He has dark shaggy hair and he's a little on the short side. Don't tell him I said that though…"

Claire looked around the bar and shook her head. "Um, I don't think so."

"Sara!" I barked. She would probably know where he went. "Sara!" I called even louder.

Claire cringed. "Stop yelling, Mister Alenko. I think her shift ended shortly after I got here."

_Shit._

Milque had probably gone home with her. I shouldn't had told him to go considering he was my ride home. I could have gotten a cab, but I wasn't sure if I had the credits. I activated my omni-tool and tried finding Milque's name in my contacts. Everything was getting blurry again.

_Maybe Claire could find his name for me. _"Um…Claire? Can you…uh…" My speech was slurring again. Shit, I was passing out.

"Can I what, Mister Alenko? Mister Alenko? Are you alright?"

I could hear Claire's voice growing more frantic. I tried to answer her, but my brain wasn't functioning enough to make words. Suddenly, everything went black.


	6. Chapter 6

Shepard was patting my head with a cool rag.

"It's going to be alright, just rest," she cooed.

I sighed at the soothing sound of her voice and her soft touch. "Shepard. Oh, Shepard, I don't care if you're an angel or a ghost, I just love you so much. Please don't leave me again." I tried opening my eyes, but everything was so bright and my head was pounding.

"Don't try to open your eyes if it hurts, just rest. You've got a bad hangover," Shepard said.

I laughed. "Shepard, you know I don't get hangovers. It's just a-" I attempted to focus on the figure leaning over me and I didn't see the familiar haze of red hair and fair skin that was Shepard's. This person had longer dark hair, her skin slightly tanned.

_Wait a second…_I shot up from the couch where I had been laying. "Holy, fuck! _Claire?_ What the fuck are you doing here?" My mind reeled to the night before as I tried to piece together everything that happened.

"What do you mean what am I doing here? This is my home!" Claire replied, her tone no longer soothing.

My eyes finally began to focus and I glanced around the room, not recognizing my surroundings.

"Fuck me," I muttered.

"_Excuse me?_" Claire's face turned bright red.

"Shit, no, I didn't mean it that way! I just don't want to be here. I need to leave." I stood up from the couch and a sharp pain instantly seared through my head again, forcing me to sit back down. I groaned and covered my eyes with my hands.

"I'm sorry you don't want to be here," Claire said, sounding slightly offended. "But you passed out at the bar and I couldn't find your friend. You really just need to rest until your hangover settles down."

"It's a fucking _migraine_!" This woman knew nothing about me. She was presumptuous in thinking she could bring me here and by assuming she knew what was wrong with me. I _hated_ presumptuous people.

Claire flinched when I corrected her. _I guess that was a little harsh._

"Sorry," I sighed. "It's just that I don't get hangovers, I'm a biotic. I just have a migraine and I get them frequently. I can deal with it."

Claire relaxed a bit. "Why do you get migraines?" she asked hesitantly.

"It's a side effect from my L2 implant. I'm lucky migraines are all that I get."

"Yes, I've heard of those," Claire nodded. "I've had several patients suffer from severe complications. There was this one man who-"

I looked around Claire's home again, not really paying attention to what she was saying. Her walls and furniture were mostly white, with silver accents here and there. It looked a little too much like a doctor's office rather than a home.

"How do you live in a place like this?" I thought aloud.

Claire rolled her eyes, realizing I had ignored her. "I like things to look clean. I think I spend more time at work than I do here anyway."

"You need some warmth, some color or something." I walked over to her door, ready to leave. I didn't feel right being alone with some woman in her home. I wouldn't have wanted Shepard alone with some other man. "I appreciate your help and hospitality, but I should head out."

Another sharp pain shot through my eyes. My migraine was getting worse. Claire was obviously aware, judging by her concerned expression.

"Mister Alenko," she said. "I know you're loyal to your girlfriend and being alone with me might make you feel uncomfortable, but I assure you that I respect your relationship. I only wish to help you. Please just let me get you home safely."

I was surprised Claire understood how important my relationship with Shepard was, even though Shepard was no longer living. Perhaps she sincerely wanted to help. It wasn't that I thought every girl was out to get me, I just found it difficult to trust anyone. "Okay," I finally agreed. "Thank you, Claire."

She nodded, smiling and we left together.

* * *

The ride home wasn't as awkward as I expected. Claire didn't say much, but she seemed comfortable with the silence. I was thankful because my migraine wasn't letting up and the slightest noise made my head feel like it might explode. I laid back and rested my eyes until we arrived at my place. Before getting out, I thanked her again and handed her a few credits.

"No, Mister Alenko," Claire shook her head. "I refuse to take your money. Just take better care of yourself from now on, okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I'll try. Thank you." I went inside and grabbed some medicine for my migraine from the cabinet. I took it with a drink of cold water and headed for bed. Usually the only way to get rid of the pain was to sleep it off.

Just as I was finally drifting off, my omni-tool beeped. It was a video call from Milque.

"Yes?" I answered, drowsily.

"Holy _shit_," Milque said a little too loudly for my head. "I've been worried about you, man! Where the fuck are you?"

"Home. You ditched me last night and I blacked out so some doctor took me to her place."

Milque's eyes grew wide. "You went home with somebody? Wow, dude! I'm so fuckin' proud of you! I knew you could do it. How'd it go?"

My eyes narrowed. "Fuck you." I was fully awake now. "It wasn't like that. I was fucking unconscious and she was just trying to help."

"Oh…" Milque muttered awkwardly. "I'm sorry, man, I really tried to find you last night, but I guess you had already left. I was chillin' with Sara for a bit after her shift ended."

"I figured." My head started throbbing again and I massaged my temples. "I appreciate you checking up on me, but I've got a bad migraine and I need to sleep it off. I'll see ya later."

"Alright, man. Later."

My omni-tool beeped again and the image of Milque faded away. The pain in my head made it hard to sleep.

"Shepard," I groaned. "You used to help me feel so much better when this happened." I rubbed my eyes, trying to get just an ounce of relief but nothing helped. The light from the lamp on my nightstand definitely wasn't helping. I grabbed the lamp and threw it with all my might against the wall. The bulb shattered, darkening the room, but still no relief.

"Fuck." Now I was in excruciating pain _and_ I needed a new lamp.

As I sat in the darkness, a terrible thought crossed my mind. What if Milque was right? Maybe the only way I could be happy again was to move on. The thought made my stomach turn.

_Would Shepard want me to move on? Surely, she wouldn't want me to be constantly drunk and miserable._

I couldn't help but feel guilty just thinking about it. I didn't want anyone else. It wouldn't be fair to just settle for someone…or _would_ it? No one would ever compare to Shepard, but maybe someone could bring a little bit of joy back into my life. My head ached even worse from confusion.

"This would be a hell of a lot easier if you were here," I thought aloud as the pain in my head became unbearable. I closed my eyes and finally slipped into unconsciousness.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N- So this is a flashback chapter...sorry I'm skipping around a bit but hopefully it will be easy enough to follow. Thanks for reading and favoriting/following! ^_^**

* * *

**Kaidan**

**One week after destruction of the Normandy...**

Joker slammed the table with his fists. "Shepard fucking _died_ and they still think _geth_ are the problem!" Shepard's death hit him hard. He blamed himself for not abandoning the Normandy sooner.

I shook my head. I should have been losing it right now; instead, it felt as if I was the only one trying to keep everything together. "You think this is any easier for me?" I yelled, pointing my finger at him. "We can't just give up the Alliance, Joker. We need to stay together!"

"Fuck the Alliance. Fuck the Council!" Joker spat.

"Joker's right," Garrus' deep voice chimed in. "We couldn't stay together either way. We're all being reassigned random shit jobs. We won't avenge Shepard by wasting our time and killing more geth."

I covered my eyes with my hands and groaned. "You're all not thinking logically. Shepard never abandoned the Alliance. She was doing the best she could to search for any clues about the Reapers while still being loyal to her Alliance missions. We won't have a chance at defeating the Reapers if we don't stay together and if we lose the Alliance or the Council's support."

"Fuck it." Joker eased himself out of his chair and grabbed all of his belongings. "You do realize they're grounding me right? They're taking away the only fucking thing that matters to me and they expect me to stay _loyal_ and carry out stupid ass missions for them. I'm out."

"Joker, stop," I pleaded. My world ripped apart when Shepard died. Now all of my friends were abandoning me as well. I grabbed Joker's arm and he turned around. His expression looked like he was ready to kill me.

"I don't take orders from you," Joker seethed. He jerked his arm away from my hand and walked out of the room.

"Garrus, talk some sense into him. Please!" I begged.

The turian looked at me solemnly and sighed. "I know this is hard for you. It's hard for all of us. We all cared for her, Kaidan, but if the Council isn't going to do anything about the Reapers, then we're doomed anyway. If these are going to be my last days, I'm going to spend them doing something worthwhile."

Garrus reached out to shake my hand. I stared blankly for a moment before reaching my hand out to shake his.

"Take care, Liutenant." Garrus said with a nod, and left.

I sat down as I tried to comprehend the last few minutes. In only a few days, my life turned upside down. I had nothing except for the Alliance now. I should have been dead. I should have died on Virmire and I should have died on the Normandy instead of Shepard. Why the fuck was I still here when she wasn't? She held us together and I couldn't even do that. Our team fell apart and the council wouldn't listen, all because she was gone. I shouldn't have got into that escape pod without her. What the hell was I thinking?! I had never hated myself more than I did now.

Worthless. I was fucking worthless, but I was still here.

"Hey man, you okay?" Someone walked through the door.

I glanced lazily over at the Alliance marine. "No," I answered simply. "Everything is fucked."

The dark-haired marine frowned. "Where did your friends go?"

"They left."

"Um…can they do that?" The marine looked around and shrugged. "Meh, who gives a fuck. You guys have been through enough shit already. Are you leaving too?"

Was I leaving? Was there even a right or wrong answer in this situation? I wouldn't be making a difference either way. Might as well stick with what I was already familiar with. Plus the Alliance was filled with memories of Shepard. "I'm staying."

"Good, I was hoping you'd say that. Something tells me we're gonna be good pals," he said grinning. "My name's Milque. I already know who you are, Alenko. Take some time to pull yourself together. When you're ready we'll go get some drinks."

I stood up from my chair. "I think I'm ready for a drink now."


	8. Chapter 8

**Kaidan**

**17 months after Shepard's death...**

Things hadn't changed much but I was at least taking better care of myself. My incident with Claire had been somewhat of a wake-up call. Milque gave up on encouraging me to move on. I was glad he finally accepted the fact my loyalty would always be to Shepard.

Milque's Commanding Officer, Captain Toni was recovering from an injury and had been in and out of the hospital for the past few months. I had some shore leave and decided to stop by the Citadel hospital with Milque to visit the Captain.

We walked into the fluorescent-lit room to see Toni sitting up in his bed, reading from a data-pad. His eyes spotted us and a smile flashed across his face.

"Hello, boys. Don't you have better places to be?" Toni placed his data-pad on the counter next to him and gave us his full attention.

Milque shook the Captain's hand and I followed suit.

"Just checking in, Captain," Milque said, taking a seat in the corner of the room. "I hear you'll be fit to blow this joint soon."

Toni nodded. "That's what they tell me. Can't tell ya how ready I am to leave."

The Captain was healing up quickly and would soon be out of the hospital for good. He was itching to get back to action, not that there was much going on these days.

I stood quietly near the door to the room and felt Toni's gaze on me.

"You doing alright there, Liutenant?" I heard him say in my direction.

I smiled politely. "Yes, sir. Just a little tired." That was my go to excuse when people started asking questions.

"Ah, you underestimate me, boy. I know you're still having a hard time with _Shepard's death_."

My brows furrowed. "Excuse me?" I wasn't sure what made me more agitated: the fact that he brought up Shepard or that he called me _boy_.

"You heard me." Toni grunted. "Everyone knows it. They're just too afraid to say anything to you and risk getting hit with a fuckin' biotic attack."

Milque was wincing in the corner.

"You know what you need, boy?" Toni added.

I sighed not knowing if I wanted to hear anymore. "What?"

Toni sat up a little straighter in his bed and grinned. "You need to get laid."

Milque jumped up from his seat before I could say anything and stood in between us. He laughed a fake hearty laugh. "Good one, Captain! Well it's good to see you're doing well, I think we better be off now!"

Milque grabbed my arm, which was now glowing blue and he yanked me out the door. I could hear Captain Toni laughing as we made our way down the hall.

When we were finally far enough away that Milque trusted me not to kill anyone, he released his grip.

"What the fuck?" he groaned, shaking his head. "I am so sorry that happened, man."

I paced the hallway trying to harness my energy back in.

"The guy's getting a little old, ya know?" Milque added. "Sometimes old people think they can just say whatever the hell they want."

I took a few more deep breaths to calm myself down. The blue energy surrounding my hands faded away and I sighed. "Let's go get a drink."

Milque nodded. "Yeah, you deserve one after that, buddy."

We headed toward the hospital elevator until I heard someone call my name.

"Mister Alenko!" I recognized the woman's voice instantly and turned to see Claire waving us down.

She was wearing a long white coat with her hair pulled back into a bun and held a data pad close to her chest.

"Hey…Claire. How's it going?" I answered politely. Seeing her was really the last thing I needed right now.

"Great! It's been a while!" She grinned and walked over to me. She opened her arms as if she expected a hug, but I stood still. Claire cleared her throat awkwardly.

"Denied," I heard Milque hiss behind me. I glared at him, not wanting to make the situation even more uncomfortable. Milque snickered and walked inside the elevator. "I'll meet ya at the docking bay," he said, the doors closing behind him. _Great, now how do I get out of this?_

"Hey," Claire's voice distracted me from my thoughts. "Was that the short, shaggy-haired guy that you were looking for in the bar when we met?" she asked, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

Something about that simple gesture made my body temperature rise and I tried not to make eye contact with her. "Yep, good memory."

She smiled and I stood there silently for a few seconds. "So…you're a doctor on the citadel now?" I asked, attempting to break the tension. I really just wanted to leave.

Claire's eyes lit up. "Yes! I love it here. It's very different working with different species, whereas before, most of my patients were human. But I like the challenge."

"That's great. Well, I better catch up with-"

"Mister Alenko," Claire nervously fumbled with her data pad. "Would you like to get a drink together sometime and catch up? I have a few L2 biotic patients that are also suffering from side effects. I'd like to get some more info on your personal experience."

I hated to say no when I could possibly help other biotics, but the idea of getting drinks with Claire made me feel uneasy. "I don't know if I could tell you anything beneficial, Claire. I hardly know what to do about my own side effects."

"Of course you could! It would mean so much to me," she blushed. "And to my patients, of course."

I needed time to think about this more. I wasn't even sure if I would have any shore leave coming up again soon. "Can I contact you later and let you know when I might have some time?"

"Of course." She gave me her info and I saved it to my omni-tool.

"It was good seeing you, Claire. I'll be in touch," I said, walking into the elevator.

"Thank you so much, Mister Alenko! I look forward to it!" Claire waved goodbye as the elevator doors closed between us.

I sighed from relief when I was finally alone again. I was _not_ going to call this woman. If there were other L2's with problems like me, they could deal with it. The only thing that had ever helped me with my headaches had been Shepard. I had nothing to offer Claire or her patients.

I shook my head and sighed, lifting my hands to rub my eyes. I felt a headache coming on.


	9. Chapter 9

Shepard stood smiling in front of me. Her red hair whipped around her face from the breeze.

"Jane? Where are we?" I looked around not remembering how I got here.

Shepard pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. I loved it when she did that. "What do you mean, Kaidan?" She looked at me puzzled and then laughed. "We're at the beach, dumbass."

Suddenly, everything made sense. Of course, we were at the beach. I promised her we would go for her birthday.

I smiled and wrapped my arms around her tightly. Her bikini exposed her waist and I reveled in the feeling of her soft bare skin against mine.

"Ugh, Kaidan, you're squeezing me too hard!" Shepard giggled and squirmed.

I loosened my grip from her and sighed. "I'm sorry, Jane," I frowned. "I just had the worst dream."

Shepard leaned back to look into my eyes. "What happened?"

I nuzzled her neck, and breathed in her familiar scent. "You smell so good. God, I've missed you."

"You miss me?" Shepard tried making eye contact again. "We've been together every day. Now tell me what your dream was about."

I looked at her solemnly. "You…died." As the words slipped from my lips, I dropped to my knees, holding her long legs in my arms and wept. "But you're here now. Holy shit, Jane, you're _here_. It was all just a fucked up dream. I didn't appreciate you enough before. I never knew how much I really needed you until now. I swear I will never take this for granted, just don't leave again!" I buried my face into her bare stomach.

Shepard's fingers ran through my hair. "It's too late, Kaidan," she whispered in a strange voice. "You didn't save me. You didn't care about me."

"What? No, no, no. That's not true. Don't say that, baby, please!" Tears fell down my face as I kissed her bare skin. She began to feel cold against my lips. I opened my eyes and glanced at her face.

Shepard's expression was blank. Her eyes void of emotion.

"Jane? What's wrong?" I stood up and cupped her cheeks with both of my hands. "Answer me, dammit!"

Silence.

I shook her vigorously but still no response. I dropped to my knees again and burrowed my face against her cold skin. "No, please don't leave," I moaned.

As I held her, her skin began to fade away from her bones. It disappeared into the air like dust.

"What the fuck?" I refused to let go as I stared in horror at the woman in front of me. "Wait…no. Stop it! What's happening to you? Someone help!"

Suddenly her clothes and skin had all disappeared until there were only bones left.

I stared blankly at the skeleton in my arms. This was all I had left of her.

I yelled in anger at the top of my lungs.


	10. Chapter 10

"NO!"

"Whoa, man!" Milque stood in front of me. "You scared the shit out of me!"

"Where is she?" I gasped, taking in my surroundings. I was back in the hospital on the citadel, in a room that was similar to Captain Toni's. I shook my head and covered my face with my hands. Anger swelled inside me until I could no longer restrain it. "Fuck!" My entire body glowed with blue biotic energy as I slammed my fists against the hospital bed.

The biotic force threw Milque to the other side of the room and he landed with a crash. "Shit!" he groaned.

"I can't take this anymore. My head's playing fucking mind games with me." I looked across the room to see Milque hoist himself back up from the floor. "Sorry, Milque. I didn't mean for that to happen."

"I figured you didn't," he shrugged, rubbing his now bruised shoulder. "Was it a dream?"

"Yeah. It was her birthday and we were at the beach. It was as if she never died and then she…" I couldn't finish describing the dream. I didn't want to relive it.

Milque shook his head. "I'm sorry. Look, you really need to do something to distract your mind from this shit. You're dwelling on it so much, it's unhealthy. All you do is drink and never eat so no wonder you're passing out all over the place."

"I cut back on drinking, asshole, and I only passed out that one time at the bar. Why am I in this fucking bed anyway?"

"Like I said," Milque sighed, rolling his eyes. "You were in the elevator heading toward the docks and when the doors opened I found you unconscious. Doc checked you out and said you were fine. He said you could rest here until you felt good to go."

"Damn. Last thing I remember was feeling a bad migraine coming on." I eased out of the bed, still feeling lightheaded. "Let's get out of here. I'd like to avoid running into Claire again."

Milque laughed humorlessly. "Why? She seems like a nice girl. Just because she likes you doesn't mean you have to be a _dick_ to her."

I glared at him. "Don't start."

"No, _you_ need to stop trying to dismiss this conversation. I've watched you suffer over a year now." Milque stepped closer to me and pointed a finger in my chest. "I stopped talking you into moving on because I thought you would eventually get there in your own time, but you're not even fucking trying. It's pathetic. You think Shepard would want you to be like this?"

My eyes flared as biotic energy pulsed through me again. "You have no idea what she would-"

"I may not have known her personally, but I've looked up to her for a long time and I think I know her well enough to say she wouldn't want you giving up your life like this. She's _gone_. Face it. Sure, she'll always have a place in your heart. You don't have to forget about her, but it's time to move on. You want to go out with Claire, do it! If not, then that's fine too. But don't be a fucking asshole to everybody and make everyone around you miserable just because you can't stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourself."

My rage subsided as I let the reality of his words sink in. As much as I wanted to defend myself, I couldn't deny everything he said was true. We were silent for a while until Milque placed his hand on my shoulder. It seemed he knew what I was thinking.

"Come on, man," he said. "Let's get out of here."

I nodded and we left the hospital, not saying another word.


	11. Chapter 11

Sleeping that night was difficult because of the war going on in my mind. Part of me felt that what Milque said was true: Shepard was a fond memory from the past but it was time to move on. The other part told me I would be turning my back on the love of my life and that my loyalty must always remain with her. No wonder my headaches had become so frequent.

I gave up on sleep and turned on the television. Some late-night news channel lit up my dark bedroom.

"With tomorrow being Memorial Day, we would like to take a moment to remember our fallen heroes." The news anchor's words caught my attention and my gaze met the television screen. A few pictures of well-known fallen soldiers scrolled across the screen as the news anchor stated their names. "And last but not least, Commander Jane Shepard, the alliance soldier who stopped Saren's attack on the Citadel and saved the council."

My heart skipped a beat. It had been a while since the media had mentioned Shepard. I felt proud of her for making such an impact on the world that people still spoke of her years after her death. A military picture of Shepard flashed on the screen. She looked sharp and stern in her uniform, her red hair pinned back neatly out of her face. I, however, could see behind those hard eyes what the rest of the world couldn't see: a soft kindhearted woman who loved greatly and would do anything for her friends, including sacrifice her life.

At that moment, while staring into Shepard's beautiful green eyes on the screen, it hit me. I knew she wouldn't want me to be miserable here without her. She lost people she loved, but she never let the loss consume her. She told me it haunted her dreams some nights, but she never complained. She stood strong and helped those who needed it. The best thing I could do for Shepard now would be to live as she did, helping others and carrying out the strength and kindness she had.

Shepard's picture faded from the television screen and the news anchor began ranting about some other story. I turned the television off and stood silent in my dark room.

"I think I finally see my purpose now, Shepard. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it. I'll always love you…but I know it's time to say goodbye. I'll do my best and maybe one day I'll become half the soldier you were." I closed my eyes and sighed laying back down on the bed. "Goodbye, Shepard." As I said those words, I felt as if a wait had been lift from my chest. That night was the first good night's sleep I'd had in over a year.

* * *

After waking up the next morning, I couldn't believe how rested I felt. I almost skipped on my routine cup of coffee but decided last minute that I wasn't ready for anything that extreme. While sipping from my mug, I couldn't stop thinking about the other L2 biotics Claire had mentioned. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to make myself useful and help someone, as Shepard would have. I found Claire's number in my omni-tool, stared at it for a few seconds and then sighed.

"I guess I'm really going to do this," I muttered while pressing the call button.

"Hello?" Claire's voice made my chest feel tight.

"Um, hey, Claire. It's Kaidan… Kaidan Alenko."

"Mister Alenko!" she said a little too loudly. "How are you?"

I paused at her question and smiled. "I'm…better."

"Well, that's great to hear," she answered somewhat surprised.

"Yeah, thanks. I wanted to let you know I'm interested in helping you out with those patients of yours."

"Well, that's also great to hear! You want to talk over some drinks at the citadel?"

I hesitated a moment before answering her. I could do this. We drank together at a bar before so it shouldn't be too awkward. "Yeah, that sounds good. Is around six this evening good for you?"

"That would be perfect actually. I'll see you then okay?"

"Okay. Bye, Claire." I clicked the end button on my omni-tool. I had expected to feel guilty after calling her, but I didn't. The lack of guilt was a nice confirmation that this was the right decision. It was nice to have a goal in my life again. I smiled to myself and finished the last few sips of my coffee. Today would be a good day. Today I would start living again.


	12. Chapter 12

I walked into the bar five minutes before six. My eyes scanned the room but I couldn't find Claire anywhere. _I knew_ _I shouldn't have come early._ I found an empty chair and took a seat. Waiting made me anxious and I needed a drink ASAP. Thankfully, The bartender walked over and I ordered a beer. When he handed me the cold glass I immediately began guzzling the fizzy liquid down. Suddenly, I felt eyes on me and glanced to my side to see Claire's stern face staring back at mine.

"Holy shit!" I spat my drink out all over the bar, catching the attention of some other customers.

Claire's eyes widened and she burst into fits of laughter as I quickly grabbed some napkins to clean up my drink.

"What's so funny?" I muttered. "You scared the shit out of me!"

Claire took a few deep breaths and finally calmed down. "I'm sorry. I just can't believe you spit your beer out like that…" she covered her mouth, trying to suppress her giggling but failed and started laughing all over again.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Ha-ha, very funny. Sir, can I get another beer please?" I called to the bartender then turned to Claire. "What the hell were you giving me the evil eye for earlier?"

"You were guzzling your whole beer down in one gulp! What happened to taking it easy on the drinking?" Claire answered.

"I needed something to calm my nerves while I waited for you!"

Claire's cheeks turned pink.

_Shit._ "Wait…I mean…not that I'm nervous I just…" I couldn't think of a good excuse for my words and hung my head in embarrassment.

Claire smiled and placed a hand on my shoulder. My spine stiffened from her touch. "Well you have nothing to be nervous about. I know you'll do great with my patients." To my relief, she moved her hand and reached down to grab something from her bag. "Here," she said handing me a slip of paper. "These are all the names of the patients who will be coming to talk to you. Beside each name I have a description of any side effects they're having and other information such as age etc."

I was relieved Claire had turned our meeting around to a more professional note. We discussed each of her patients for some time. I was starting to feel excited about meeting these biotics.

"How do you feel about things so far?" Claire asked. She took a sip from her pink girly drink that had whip cream on top.

"I'm feeling really good about it actually. I'm eager to meet them." I smiled and finished the last sip of my beer. It was only my second one and I was pleased with myself for cutting back.

Claire stared at me. "Hmm," she smiled.

"Um…what? Is there something on my face?"

She giggled. "No. Sorry, I just don't think I've ever seen you smile like that before. You have a handsome smile; you should do it more often."

I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. "Ah well, thanks…I guess."

Claire glanced at her watch. "Dammit. I was supposed to be back at work five minutes ago."

"You have to work this late?"

She nodded and sighed. "I probably spend more time at work than I do at home. Thank goodness I love my job," she laughed. "I better go. Thanks for everything Kaidan. And good luck with the meeting!"

"Okay, I'll see you later then?" I asked, helping her gather all of her papers.

"Yes! We should meet up regularly to discuss anything that might help my patients. I'll be in touch."

I nodded and grabbed her jacket from behind her chair and helped her slip it on. "Um... Take care."

Claire looked up at me and smiled. "You too."

She looked like she was about to hug me but then stopped. I stuck out my hand awkwardly and Claire shook it. "Thanks, Mister Alenko," she said and then left the bar.

_I need to stop letting her call me that._

* * *

The next day, I met the group of Claire's L2 patients on the Citadel. When I walked into the small room Claire had rented, seven men and four women were sitting in the provided chairs.

I cleared my throat. "Um, hello. I'm Kaidan Alenko."

The group smiled widely and greeted me. Claire informed me they were all Alliance soldiers and familiar with who I was.

"So, Claire tells me you are all L2 biotics, like myself. Being an L2 model can have its repercussions but also its perks as I'm sure you're all aware. Most biotics decide to upgrade for more stability, but those of us with the L2 implant are capable of much more powerful biotic abilities." I scanned the faces in the crowd. These people looked hopeful and excited. Hell, I felt excited. Being here was definitely the right decision. "Why don't we go around the room and introduce ourselves, then give a brief explanation of your L2 experience and what you would like to gain from this meeting."

* * *

The class went incredibly well. I already felt like I had given Claire's patients a lot of useful information on managing their implant. It was comforting for all of us to know that we weren't the only biotics going through side effects and that there were others eager to help. I felt guilty for blowing off the idea of helping these people so easily at first but at least I had agreed to it before it was too late.

My omni-tool beeped, distracting me from my thoughts and I looked down to see an incoming call from Claire.

"Hey, Claire."

"Mister Alenko!" she exclaimed. "So, tell me how everything went."

I smiled. "It went great. Your patients are great people and I think I've given them some useful information. We decided to get together again same time next week."

"That's wonderful news! I'm so happy, Mister Alenko. You don't know how much it means to me and my patients that you're doing this."

I laughed. "Please, Claire, call me Kaidan. Thank _you_ for giving me this opportunity. I'm sorry if I seemed…hesitant at first."

"You don't need to apologize Mister…I mean…Kaidan. I know you've been going through a lot and needed to wait until you were ready. I'm just glad it all worked out."

"Yeah. Me too. Let me know when you want to get together and go over some information for your patients."

"Yes, is next Friday alright?" she asked.

"Sure thing. Same time and place as before?"

"That works for me. I'll see you then. Thanks again!"

"See you, Claire."


End file.
